The Style Invitational Week 981 Feeling testy
By Pat Myers, Updated: Thursday, July 26, 6:00 PM
Entrance exam for a security guard: Q.
An alarm starts blaring loudly while you are at your station. What do you do?
A: Hit the snooze button. You should
have a few more minutes until the next shift comes in.
This week’s contest,
suggested by Mike Gips: Write a question that “ought to” be on a qualifying
test for a particular job. You may supply a straight question with a humorous
answer, as in Mike’s example above, or you could put the whole joke in the
question itself, such as with a funny series of multiple-choice answers.
Whatever’s funniest.
Winner gets the Inkin’
Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second
place receives an extraordinarily tacky little sculpture, entirely made of
seashells, of a cat (?) driving a motorcycle. Donor Nan Reiner has made it even
more, um, compelling by painting “Loser” on the “license plate” and the red A
of what used to be the Style Invitational print logo, embellished with flames.
This is the best tacky shell sculpture we have offered as a prize since the
famed “Shells Playing Poker” of 2009.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug
or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after
Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (Fir
Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 6; results published Aug. 26 (online
Aug. 24). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 981” in
your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and
guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week’s honorable
mentions is by Kevin Dopart; the alternate headline in the “Next Week” line is
by Matt Monitto. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook
at on.fb.me/invdev.
Report from Week 978, in which we asked for news-themed “framed couplets,” tiny verses with
lots of rules: Each of the two or four lines had to have exactly nine syllables
in the iambic (ba-DAH) meter, except that they had to start and finish with
accented syllables — like all the ones in today’s results. And not only did
each pair of lines have to rhyme, but the first syllables of each pair had to
rhyme, too. And of course, the verses had to be humorous, even if darkly so.
The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial
GOP’ers wail about Barack:
“He puts forth a socialistic
crock!”
Say the Dems, “Well, Mitt and
Ann are snobs.”
Hey — do you guys have a plan
for jobs?
(Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)
2. Winner of the children’s
book “Doctor Proctor’s Fart Powder: Bubble in the Bathtub”:
Obomneycare
Candidate Obama can relax.
“’Mandate,’ ” Roberts
said, “just means a tax.”
“Why!” cried Romney, “What
you say’s not so!
I invented it, so I should
know.” (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
3. Morsi, Egypt’s president,
should fear:
Fortune kicked Mubarak in
Tahrir. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)
4. Lonesome George dies
Bigger tortoise seldom will
you see;
Rigor mortis claimed a
victory.
Ran his race; his future
holds no risk:
An Eternal Banquet, not a
bisque. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
Went down in frames: Honorable mentions
Monster named Sandusky in the
news;
Yon Ohio city has the blues.
Many say to change the name
they’ve got;
Anyone for “Stalin” or “Pol
Pot”? (Nan Reiner)
CNN! When news breaks, we are
first . . .
Even if we get our facts
reversed.
Every day we ferret out the
scoops . . .
Never mind if later we say
“Oops!” (Robert Schechter)
“Wine, in fair amounts, may
help your heart.”
Fine! I’ve had a 60-year head
start. (Mae Scanlan, Washington, 1931 — )
Nik Wallenda crossed Niagara
Falls;
Tricky trek — the gentleman
had guts. (Mae Scanlan)
“Magic Mike” my good wife
recommends;
Bah! I don’t see why — just
guys’ rear ends.
(David Moore, Philadelphia,
who last got Invite ink in 2003)
Crash! Derecho fells another
tree,
Smashes my new car with its
debris,
Cuts my power off; ah, that’s
my luck.
Nuts! Derecho’s Spanish for
“You suck!” (Tom Cary, Hollywood, Md., who last inked in 2005 — what’s with the
vacations here?)
Yay, JetBlue, where prices
are insane!
(Maybe, too, the guy who
flies your plane.) (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
Mendelson to lead D.C.
Council:
D.C. Council chairs have
played the clown:
We could laugh at Downtown
Kwame Brown.
What a snooze we may have now
with Phil,
But at least his hand’s not
in the till. (Nan Reiner)
Seventeen magazine to show
teen girls “as they really are”:
Verbal outbursts, zits and
cramps and all?
Circulation’s headed for a
fall. (Beverley Sharp)
Judge declares Zimmerman a
flight risk:
“Stand your ground” we heard
would be his plea.
Planned instead were really
ways to flee. (Mary E. Moore, Gladwyne, Pa.)
After 115 years together,
mated Galapagos tortoises have a fight
She attacked! What caused
this dreadful rage?
He remarked, “You know, you
look your age.” (Beverley Sharp)
Texas GOP opposes “critical
thinking” education:
Texas says that thinkin’
isn’t right:
Wrecks the need to sit ’n’ be
polite. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.)
Mighty temps that melt us
into blobs,
Fighting over taxes, gays and
jobs,
Scummy ads that bolster the
elite —
Summer’s had all kinds of
record heat. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)
Suri’s girlhood undergoing
pause,
Jury’s out on which celeb’s
the cause;
Visit Web sites, take the
latest poll:
Is it broken Holmes or Cruise
control? (Neal Starkman, Seattle)
Tom’s a Scientologist. We
cringe.
Mom’s now keeping Suri from
the fringe. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.)
Theme parks will compete for
business in China:
Pick the winner — bet your
bottom yuan:
Mickey Mouse at war with
Genghis Khan! (Beverley Sharp)
Riffraff Filter
So you want to vote? Then you
must bring
Photos of your face, plus
anything
We decide will show that you
may be
Free to vote in our
democracy. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rose, Calif.)
San Diego’s
fireworks show was odd.
Grand at first, it
quickly blew its wad. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
Rep. Joe Walsh Brags, Too
“Duckworth brags that she’s a
hero-vet.
Shucks, she caught Iraqi
flak, and yet
Here at home, I deftly held
the fort:
Fearlessly, I dodged my child
support. (Frank Osen)
“Doomsday” computer virus
predictions:
They were wrong; they missed
the boat — and how!
Say! I’ll send my entries in
right
(Beverley Sharp)
Next week’s results: A Ploy to Annoy, or We Love Big
Bother,